5 Phrases We Don't Say to Kids
Grown-ups who work with children play a vital role in their lives and development. However, we understand that it can be challenging to know the right things to say in different situations. Many, if not all, of us have probably said some version of the phrases we discuss below. But knowing the impact our words and actions can have on children, it's important we keep trying to be and do better. We believe that "best practice" when working with children is to use methods that are neurodiversity-affirming, trauma-informed, and connection-over-compliance based. With that in mind, here are five phrases we don't say to kids, and what we say instead to support their emotional, physical, and cognitive well-being.
“Don’t cry.”
Crying is a natural and healthy emotional response, and it's essential that we validate children's emotions. When we tell children not to cry, we're sending the message that their emotions are not valid or important.
Instead, we can say, "I see you're crying. I'm here if you need me."
This shows the child that we acknowledge their emotions and are there to support them.
"Use your words."
While it's important to encourage children to communicate, this phrase can be dismissive of their attempts to express themselves.
Instead of telling them to use their words, we can say what the child is trying to say (if we know).
For example, if your child points to a bubble jar, you can model, "ooh, let's blow bubbles!" This shows them that you understand them and are willing to meet them where they are, while also giving them the words that communicate their want, need, or idea.
"Sit still."
Many children struggle with sitting still, and it's important to recognize that their bodies may need to move. When we tell children to sit still, we're ignoring their sensory and motor needs and thereby setting them up for failure.
Instead, we can say "It looks like your body needs to move right now. Let's find a safe space."
This validates the child's needs, helps them feel more comfortable in their environment, and allows them to do what their body and brain needs to in order to learn.
"You're okay."
Similar to telling a child not to cry, when a child is upset or hurt, telling them that they're okay can be dismissive of their pain, fear, or other sensations/feelings.
Instead, we can assure them by saying, "I'm here to help."
This shows the child that we are there to support them and that their feelings are valid.
"Look at me."
Eye contact can be uncomfortable or even painful for some children. Forcing eye contact is harmful and unproductive.
Many of us have probably asked a child to look at us so that we knew they were paying attention to what we were saying. But eye contact is not necessarily a good indicator that a child, especially a neurodivergent one, is listening to you. Below is an illustrative quote from a colleague’s autistic young adult daughter (who did not wish to be named for this article).
“I can either look at you, or I can listen to and understand what you are saying. Which do you prefer?”
Instead of saying, "look at me," we can simply say nothing. This allows the child to communicate in the way that feels most comfortable for them.
In conclusion, our language and actions have a significant impact on children. By prioritizing neurodiversity-affirming, trauma-informed, and connection-over-compliance based therapy or education, we create a safe and supportive environment for children to develop their skills. By avoiding these five phrases and using the aforementioned alternatives or similar versions, we can help children feel heard, valued, and understood.
